[goodday.wav] Dirty Old Man: Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now? Hello? Marie: Puppetmaster's help desk, this is Marie speaking, can I help you? DOM: I don't know boy you can sure as hell try. I was on a call with someone there, took me an hour and a half to get through all the menus...push "1 if you have a receipt, push 2 if you don't have a receipt, push 3 if you like cheese, push 4 if you want to hear this message again in Swahili..." And then when I suddenly get a real-live person, she puts me on hold, and I lose connection. These lousy cellphones! And then I have to start all over again, pushing 1 for my receipt..." Marie: How can I help you, sir? DOM: Yeah, okay. So, the thing is, I'm sitting in my study, having a really good day, with the window shades drawn and the lights off, using my computer, looking at....well, never mind what I was looking at! I can look at whatever I want to on my computer, and what I look at is my own business, and I wasn't touching myself or anything....anyway, suddenly these commandos show up, knock down my door, and start taking my best stuff! Marie: I assume "these guys" were the vice squad? [toy] DOM: Yeah, right. Fanatics! Marie: When and where did this take place? DOM: Hello? Hello? These damn toy cell phones! Hello? That's it, I'm calling my cell phone company to complain! First I lose my dial-up connection, and now this! And I live right next to a tower too. I'm going to complain! Marie: I'm sure they'll be happy to help you. DOM: Damn right, they should! And I pay a lot of money in surcharges, which are outrageous. I got my service with AMA Communications... Marie: Detroit, sir? DOM: What? Y-yeah, Detroit. Marie: So, these were vice squad personnel...? DOM: Fanatics! Marie: This Fanatic incursion into your study occured in Detroit, sir? [reason] DOM: Yeah, that's what I was just telling you! So I'm in my house in Detroit, it's the middle of the night, and all of a sudden a bunch of wacko () barge in and hustle me at taser point! Taser-point, mind you! Onto some kind of transport in my damn jock strap! Well, I had some pornogr...er...papers. Very *special* papers, if you get my drift, and I made them promise to ship them to me. I managed to hold off the goons long enough to hide...err, secure all my porn...er papers, and put them in a shipping container, and write up a shipping label! And finally I got this really rude fanatic to sign it, this "Grand Poobah", and yet here it is, 3 months later, and no sign of my pictur...er papers, no sign at all! Marie: You're complaining about evaccing from Detroit, sir...? DOM: Well, I'm not saying there wasn't a reason for the whole thing....obviously...but I have a receipt! Marie: *sigh* Name on the receipt? [takeoff] DOM: Grand Poobah Mike Hunt, I was very careful to write that down. Marie: One moment, sir. --comm beep-- (knock on door) CO: Any smut yet? Comm: A lot of porn on the internet, sir. And it looks like a VW bus just pulled into the driveway. CO: A microbus... Comm: One of ours. The Porklipso. Co: Jimminey! Comm: Sorry sir, I should have been more specific. --comm beep-- Marie: I'm sorry to say that Grand Poobah Hunt was arrested for indecent behavior 2 months ago. Something involving trout. DOM: Oh. But I have a receipt! Marie: *sigh* Alright, I'll pass it along to my superiors. DOM: Well, I appreciate that. I know my pornogra...er, papers, are not your first priority right now, but- Marie: Very forebearing of you, sir. DOM: But they mean a lot to me. We've been through a lot together. I just can't get as excited without them...and I have a receipt. Marie: Thank you, your complaint has been filed, and your call has been recorded for quality purposes. DOM: Thanks so much. I appreciate that. By the way, you have a very sexy voice, Marie. Would you do me one more favor? Marie: What is that, sir? DOM: Would you take off your... Marie (interrupting) Goodbye.